1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:06,840 This programme contains strong language. 2 00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:09,400 It's dangerous enough without setting fire to the base. 3 00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:12,920 What's the first rule? Don't set fire to the base? Don't set fire...exactly! 4 00:00:12,920 --> 00:00:15,280 In fairness, sir, there was no real harm done. 5 00:00:15,280 --> 00:00:17,760 The paperwork's safe in the ISO, and nobody's been hurt. 6 00:00:17,760 --> 00:00:21,280 Oh, that is good news. It'd be awful if Mac or Rocket had been singed. 7 00:00:21,280 --> 00:00:23,240 I presume they're to blame for this debacle? 8 00:00:23,240 --> 00:00:26,240 Well, I will be investigating the cause of this fire vigorously, sir. 9 00:00:26,240 --> 00:00:29,840 How is this going to look when the Secretary of State for Defence arrives tomorrow? 10 00:00:29,840 --> 00:00:31,280 Is he? Or she? 11 00:00:31,280 --> 00:00:33,960 Five hours of standing around, nodding, pointing... 12 00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:35,360 Tell me about it. 13 00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:39,320 Pretending to laugh at his stupid jokes. HTEA. HTEA? 14 00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:42,360 Having to explain acronyms. Awful. Oh, and did I mention? 15 00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:45,280 You'll be looking after him. What?! As a favour to me. 16 00:00:45,280 --> 00:00:48,080 Since this whole fire incident has really brought us together. 17 00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:49,760 No, but, sir, I am on call for... 18 00:00:49,760 --> 00:00:52,200 Yes, yes, if there's a device, you must go, but otherwise, 19 00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:54,560 you're in charge of keeping this prize-winning chump 20 00:00:54,560 --> 00:00:57,760 out of harm's way. And out of my way. Yes, sir. 21 00:00:57,760 --> 00:01:02,560 Do that and I might overlook this gigantic flaming cock-up. 22 00:01:02,560 --> 00:01:03,680 Carry on. 23 00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:10,120 Do you want your kebab now, boss? Yes, I do. 24 00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:13,760 Ah! Hot! Hot, hot! 25 00:01:43,120 --> 00:01:45,840 OK, guys. Everything squared away? Yes, boss. 26 00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:49,920 And by everything, I mean a bunch of fire-damaged kit and ashes. 27 00:01:49,920 --> 00:01:53,000 Why, Gloria, why? 28 00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:55,320 Get that thing thrown away. 29 00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:59,040 Boss, the fire safety on this base is a shambles. 30 00:01:59,040 --> 00:02:00,440 What makes you say that? 31 00:02:01,640 --> 00:02:04,680 I did try and warn you about the dangers of barbecues but... 32 00:02:04,680 --> 00:02:07,320 Faruq got us a goat. It needs eating. 33 00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:10,480 I would like to volunteer to be the fire safety officer for the base. 34 00:02:10,480 --> 00:02:11,760 Fine. I'm ideal for the job 35 00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:14,360 because I am used to pre-empting danger with my hawk-like... 36 00:02:14,360 --> 00:02:16,800 I said "fine", Simon. Go and see the lieutenant colonel. 37 00:02:16,800 --> 00:02:19,440 I'm sure he'll be just as excited as I am. Yes, boss! 38 00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:21,760 Boss, there's someone at the gate asking for you. 39 00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:26,280 Oh, that will be my Ocado order. A bloke called Ahmed. Young-ish. 40 00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:28,840 Friendly-ish. Bellend-ish. 41 00:02:28,840 --> 00:02:31,600 Unfortunately he thinks he's on our side, so we can't shoot him. 42 00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:34,280 Did I mention he's an utter bellend? Well, he seemed fine to me. 43 00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:37,360 I bet you anything he's a bellend. You can't prove someone's a bellend. 44 00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:40,160 Ten dollars. Within 24 hours, you'll be calling him a bellend. 45 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,680 You're on! All right, Towerblock. 46 00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:45,760 You can go and make your own unbiased assessment of his bellendery. 47 00:02:45,760 --> 00:02:48,080 Oh, and he may have brought an IED with him. 48 00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:50,840 His hobby is digging them out of the ground to show us. 49 00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:54,040 Really? Yeah. It's weird. You know, we have the same hobby and yet 50 00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:56,600 I still don't like him. 51 00:02:56,600 --> 00:02:58,320 Now, off you fuck. 52 00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:06,080 Sorry, Ahmed. The captain's busy. 53 00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:08,320 Well, this is OK. The two of us, we can work together. 54 00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:12,240 I wish to ensure the safe disposal of these land mines. 55 00:03:14,640 --> 00:03:16,360 OK... 56 00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:19,680 Good, but we'd prefer it if you'd just leave them where you... 57 00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:22,680 Shit! Stop! Don't throw them around! That is TNT coming out! 58 00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:26,960 Chillax it, mate. They're old! 59 00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:29,640 If they were going to go pop, they would have gone by now. 60 00:03:29,640 --> 00:03:30,760 Am I right? 61 00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:33,640 Listen, you total bell... 62 00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:39,000 You totally believe... 63 00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:43,320 that you're doing the right thing, but it's probably best if we just 64 00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:48,480 place them carefully in the pit while trying to keep them level. 65 00:03:48,480 --> 00:03:49,760 OK? OK. 66 00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:54,200 Shit! Best of both worlds, mate. 67 00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:57,640 I throw them to you, you place them carefully in the pit! 68 00:03:57,640 --> 00:03:58,760 OK? 69 00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:03,040 KNOCKING 70 00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:05,520 Mary, you look more fragrant than ever. 71 00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:07,960 I'm not showing the minister around. Oh, come on, Mary! 72 00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:11,040 I've got 1,023 more important things to do than babysit a PONTI for 73 00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:12,400 the next five hours. 74 00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:15,280 So have I... What did you call him? PONTI? 75 00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:18,040 P-O-N-T-I. Person Of No Tactical Importance. 76 00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:20,640 Well, that's about right. Because if I have to look after him, 77 00:04:20,640 --> 00:04:23,640 I'll end up punching the Tory twat in his stupid Tory face. 78 00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:27,360 Wow! Did not see that one coming! Bloody Tories, cutting benefits, 79 00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:29,920 cutting taxes for the rich and cutting the Army. 80 00:04:29,920 --> 00:04:31,680 And taking the Lib Dems down with them. 81 00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:34,800 Well, You're foxy when you're cross. We should talk politics more often. 82 00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:37,320 Let's have a steamy night in and talk about foreign policy. 83 00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:40,040 Nick! This does actually matter. Sure it does. It does! 84 00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:41,240 No, I'm agreeing. 85 00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:43,760 No, you're not. Anyway, who do you vote for? 86 00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:48,360 You do vote, right? Yeah, I vote. 87 00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:51,360 I voted for... Who was the hot girl on X Factor? 88 00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:53,760 HELICOPTER APPROACHES 89 00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:55,360 Bye, Nick. 90 00:05:05,360 --> 00:05:07,880 Sir, in view of recent events, 91 00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:10,800 I would like to volunteer to be the fire safety officer for the base. 92 00:05:10,800 --> 00:05:11,960 Fine. 93 00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:14,960 I'm ideal for the job because I'm used to pre-empting danger with... 94 00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:18,640 I said "fine". Talk to CQMS. He might have some equipment... 95 00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:20,720 Sir. ..or a special hat. 96 00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:34,280 Why do ministers insist on visiting Afghanistan? 97 00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:38,520 Why don't they just watch Ross Kemp, like everyone else? 98 00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:42,200 And they always drive off the heli in a natty little Land Rover. 99 00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:46,040 I'm a lieutenant colonel and I don't have a natty little Land Rover. 100 00:05:49,120 --> 00:05:51,440 Are you saying you want a Land Rover, sir? 101 00:05:51,440 --> 00:05:54,320 What's the first rule? Get a Land Rover. 102 00:05:56,760 --> 00:05:58,200 See? 103 00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:08,720 Good morning, Colonel. I'm the minister. 104 00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:10,320 Don't take the fucking piss, mate. 105 00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:13,640 I think I know who the Secretary of State for Defence is. 106 00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:17,880 Uh, I'm the Minister for the Armed Forces? Colin Walters? 107 00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:20,560 Welcome to the base, sir. Please excuse my earlier comments. 108 00:06:20,560 --> 00:06:23,240 Don't worry, it happens all the time. I'm new! 109 00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:25,680 Lieutenant Colonel Smith. This is Captain Medhurst, 110 00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:28,040 who has generously volunteered to look after you for 111 00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:30,680 the few hours that we're delighted you could spend with us. 112 00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:34,160 Much obliged. Ooh, Tim, write these names down, please. 113 00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:36,760 Uh, this is Corporal House, sir. Sir. House. 114 00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:39,240 And Corporal Bird, sir. Bird. 115 00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:43,120 Lance Corporal Simon Lansley. Fire safety officer. 116 00:06:43,120 --> 00:06:45,440 Which as you can see is going very well. 117 00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:48,240 Minister, can I get you a brew? 118 00:06:48,240 --> 00:06:50,440 Yes, a brew would be lovely. Thank you. 119 00:07:00,360 --> 00:07:04,560 So, Jenny got moved to Transport, Neil got done for expenses, 120 00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:06,600 and the next thing was, 121 00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:09,960 I got a call saying, "Fancy being Minister for the Armed Forces?" 122 00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:12,000 What an inspiring story. 123 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:14,160 It's quite funny when you think about it. 124 00:07:14,160 --> 00:07:15,320 I wasn't even a Cub Scout. 125 00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:17,320 And it's all one big game of Cubs out here. 126 00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:19,760 Aye. Dib, dib, dib. Step, step, bang! 127 00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:25,600 Oh, sorry... No, I... Look, I really need to see the full picture. 128 00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:28,600 I need to see the grit. The muck. The danger. 129 00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:31,560 Sir, I've been tasked with keeping you out of harm's way so I... 130 00:07:31,560 --> 00:07:34,680 No, no, no... I want to be in harm's way. 131 00:07:34,680 --> 00:07:37,160 Yeah, it's just I hear that getting your legs blown off 132 00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:39,120 isn't quite as fun as you'd first imagine. 133 00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:41,160 What I meant was... 134 00:07:41,160 --> 00:07:44,320 I just want to see something go bang, but you're right. 135 00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:49,840 What I'm really here for is to find out what you guys want from us. Tim? 136 00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:51,640 Better food. Yes. 137 00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:55,160 Oh, more food. Relocation of the entire war to Tuscany. 138 00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:58,560 Ha! That's good, that's good. Don't write that down, Tim. 139 00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:00,960 Maybe you could show me around the base, hmm, 140 00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:02,600 and then we'll see where we get to? 141 00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:04,560 We'll just get to a different bit of the base? 142 00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:08,240 Ooh, ah, boss. 143 00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:11,360 Permission to deliver a fire safety lecture at a suitable time... 144 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:12,680 Denied. 145 00:08:12,680 --> 00:08:16,080 "In case of emergency shout, 'Fire, fire, fire.' " Sounds reasonable. 146 00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:18,840 Except in a war zone, where we all have weapons. 147 00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:20,120 Oh, yes! Good point. 148 00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:22,360 Thank you, Fire Officer Lansley. 149 00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:25,240 THEY LAUGH 150 00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:28,920 Who took...? No. 151 00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:33,080 Oh, hi, Mary. 152 00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:35,200 I literally had no idea you'd be in here. 153 00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:37,520 Ah, the padre in the chapel - what are the chances(?) 154 00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:40,640 Look, if it's about that Tory twat again, I've already told you... Oh! 155 00:08:40,640 --> 00:08:42,640 Gosh! Hello! Hello! 156 00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:45,480 Rev Mary Greenstock. Nice to meet you. I'm Colin Wal... 157 00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:49,480 Walters, yes, I know, yes, Lib Dem member for Croydon West. 158 00:08:49,480 --> 00:08:52,080 What's all this? You know him, then? Oi-oi! 159 00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:55,800 No, no, no, not personally. Well, I wish! 160 00:08:55,800 --> 00:08:59,440 No, I mean, I know your work. I know your work. 161 00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:03,560 He's a Methodist lay preacher and tireless social justice campaigner. 162 00:09:03,560 --> 00:09:07,440 Good news, Minister, we appear to have flushed out your stalker. 163 00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:09,920 Oh! Stalker! 164 00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:14,800 By the way, the photo on your website doesn't do you justice. 165 00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:16,120 Seriously? 166 00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:21,280 Oh, well, I'm sure that if the chaplains' department wanted someone 167 00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:25,680 to put on their, er, website, they couldn't do better than you, Padre. 168 00:09:27,880 --> 00:09:32,000 Minister... Look, why don't I show the minister around? 169 00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:35,920 Because I think Nick must have 1,023 things to do. 170 00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:37,680 No, actually, no. 171 00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:40,400 Boss, we've got a shout on suspected IED in Yellow 15. 172 00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:43,560 1,024 now. You must go. 173 00:09:43,560 --> 00:09:46,080 No hurry. The bomb'll still be there. 174 00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:47,800 But what if somebody steps on it? 175 00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:50,080 Then it won't be there. Problem solved. 176 00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:55,480 Fine... I'll do the bomb. 177 00:10:06,680 --> 00:10:09,920 Ooh! When we get back, let's eat the rest of that meat. 178 00:10:09,920 --> 00:10:14,520 No more barbecues! That's an order from the fire safety officer. 179 00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:17,240 But we've still got three-quarters of our goat left, 180 00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:20,600 and it's no' that nice raw. I don't care! No more barbecues! 181 00:10:23,880 --> 00:10:27,000 What if...we didn't cook it on a barbecue... 182 00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:29,760 You want tandoor? 183 00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:31,480 What's a tandoor? 184 00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:35,600 A clay oven. Very hot fire. Bury it in the ground. 185 00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:38,320 Kebabs - delicious. 186 00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:41,720 We should get that. I find one for you. We shall agree. 187 00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:44,080 100 dollars. I'll give you 20. Done. 188 00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:46,160 What was that? What were you selling him? 189 00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:47,440 BOTH: Porn. 190 00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:54,840 Right, Towerblock, this device is very unstable, 191 00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:57,040 so I think we're going to have to blow it in situ. 192 00:10:57,040 --> 00:10:59,600 But what about collecting evidence for forensics? 193 00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:02,080 Fine, if we have to. 194 00:11:02,080 --> 00:11:06,800 But gotta work fast cos we're losing the light. 195 00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:11,880 Yeah, good point. It does always get dark around noon(!) 196 00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:13,680 At least I think is says noon. 197 00:11:13,680 --> 00:11:16,240 The sun's so blindingly bright I can't quite... 198 00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:17,480 Yes, all right. 199 00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:19,920 I have to get back to get that PONTI away from Mary. 200 00:11:19,920 --> 00:11:22,400 Ah. Probably too late. 201 00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:24,720 He'll be bending her over the altar as we speak. 202 00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:27,840 I'm saying they're fucking. Yes, all right! 203 00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:30,400 Boss, I see movement. Something is happening. 204 00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:32,600 Glad we're paying extra for detail. 205 00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:34,280 GUNSHOTS 206 00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:41,520 Do not engage until we PID. 207 00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:43,040 Do not engage until PID. 208 00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:45,120 Diamond 21, this is Bluestone 42. 209 00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:46,280 Contact. Wait out. 210 00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:49,080 Who the fuck is that? 211 00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:53,040 Do not engage! It's Ahmed! I thought he...? 212 00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:55,200 Oh, fucking hell! 213 00:11:55,200 --> 00:12:00,120 Ahmed, stop shooting your fucking gun! 214 00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:01,440 Taliban! 215 00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:03,960 HE SHOUTS IN ARABIC 216 00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:06,360 He says the Taliban can lick his balls! 217 00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:12,880 I can see them. The Taliban - not his balls. 218 00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:14,720 Tree line - two o'clock. 219 00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:28,920 Ahmed, you have to stop doing this! 220 00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:33,480 But, Bluestoners, I came to help my new friend, Towerblock! 221 00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:35,520 We make an awesome team. 222 00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:39,680 There we go, Towerblock. Some training on handling locals. 223 00:12:39,680 --> 00:12:42,120 Why don't you outline the rules of engagement to Ahmed 224 00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:44,840 so I don't have to punch him in the face? 225 00:12:44,840 --> 00:12:51,280 Er, OK, Ahmed, if you want to get involved, you need to join the ANA. 226 00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:53,400 Ahmed, why don't you share your views 227 00:12:53,400 --> 00:12:56,120 on the Afghan National Army with Towerblock here? 228 00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:58,320 They can lick my balls! 229 00:12:58,320 --> 00:13:00,680 He seems really keen on people licking his balls. 230 00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:02,720 Maybe he doesn't have a shower. 231 00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:06,840 What you're doing fucks up the rules of engagement. 232 00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:10,280 We need positive ID before we return fire. 233 00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:14,840 This is what I like about the British. They are all about jokes! 234 00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:18,200 My most favourite comedian is Michael McIntyre. 235 00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:20,200 And what's our favourite joke of his? 236 00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:23,400 Oh! The first time I heard him, I thought, yes! 237 00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:25,360 I, too, have man drawer! 238 00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:27,480 And...what do you keep in it? 239 00:13:27,480 --> 00:13:29,160 Grenades. 240 00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:31,560 Course you do! 241 00:13:31,560 --> 00:13:35,720 See? A massive end of a gigantic bell. 242 00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:44,920 Sir! Hi, Nick. Padre. 243 00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:48,040 Sir, if I could peel you off Mary for just one moment. 244 00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:51,200 I'm about to conduct a logistical demolition and I wondered if you 245 00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:55,400 would like to spend your last hour with us watching something go bang? 246 00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:58,640 Ooh. That sounds good. Mary, do you mind? 247 00:13:58,640 --> 00:14:01,920 No, of course not. No, no, no... You're the boss. 248 00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:04,520 Literally. Sorry. 249 00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:07,160 No, I'm just the Minister for the Armed Forces. 250 00:14:07,160 --> 00:14:08,880 I can't even start a war. 251 00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:10,480 Well, that's something. Shall we? 252 00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:25,760 Ah, Private, could you hop out so I can borrow this vehicle? 253 00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:27,720 Er...no, sir. 254 00:14:27,720 --> 00:14:29,280 I beg your pardon? 255 00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:32,120 This vehicle is for the exclusive use of the minster, sir. 256 00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:33,520 The minister's not here, is he? 257 00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:36,640 So, be a good chap and hop out, Private. 258 00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:40,120 Sorry, sir. Specific orders from Brigade HQ. 259 00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:42,720 Well, I'm a lieutenant colonel, so just... 260 00:14:42,720 --> 00:14:45,880 put those orders to one side. Temporarily. Sorry, sir. 261 00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:53,720 Can't I just have a tiny go in it? 262 00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:56,360 A tiny, tiny go? 263 00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:05,080 Please? Come on, please? Superior office, please? 264 00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,600 You've made yourself a powerful enemy, Private. 265 00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:30,560 That should do it. 266 00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:32,760 Boss, the colonel said to keep him out of harm's way. 267 00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:36,680 This is out of harm's way...ish. And it's out of Mary's way. 268 00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:39,360 I saw how much serviceable explosive you used. 269 00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:41,360 They're going to hear this in Kabul. Fuck it! 270 00:15:41,360 --> 00:15:43,760 I've got to stop him slithering into Mary's affections 271 00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:46,080 like some kind of tiresome, parasitic worm. 272 00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:50,920 Right. Time for some fireworks. 273 00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:55,360 I mean the safe disposal of ordnance in a controlled environment. 274 00:15:55,360 --> 00:15:57,520 Can I press the button?! Can I press the button?! 275 00:15:57,520 --> 00:15:59,760 Towerblock, we have guests! 276 00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:03,680 Sorry. Sir, would you like to press the button? 277 00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:04,960 Yes, please! 278 00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:06,880 Everyone in cover! 279 00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:11,680 Stand by. Controlled explosion in seconds one zero. 280 00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:14,000 Ten... Sir, if you just wait for the countdown... 281 00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:16,520 ..nine... ..then push those two together. ..eight, 282 00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:19,840 seven, six, five... Should have a bit of a kick. 283 00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:21,680 I bumped up the donor charges by 10%. 284 00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:23,960 ..four, three, two... 285 00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:25,600 But I already did that. 286 00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:28,360 ..one. BOTH: Oh, shit Firing! 287 00:16:36,880 --> 00:16:38,200 Oh, yes! 288 00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:41,400 HE CHEERS 289 00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:43,960 Woo-hoo! So, Minister, this is what we do. 290 00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:46,600 Wow! Fantastic. Shame you can't stay any longer. 291 00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:48,600 We could've taken you out in the field with us. 292 00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:50,960 Do you really mean that? Course! 293 00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:54,240 Tim, cancel my meetings for tomorrow. 294 00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:56,160 I'm staying with Bluestone 42. 295 00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:02,800 Oops. 296 00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:06,240 And how long does he think he's staying for? A week? A lunar month? 297 00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:07,880 Well, I hope it's... Shut up! 298 00:17:07,880 --> 00:17:11,240 Medhurst, you are without doubt one of the least professional officers 299 00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:13,320 I've ever had the misfortune to meet. 300 00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:15,600 And I've been on joint ops with the French! 301 00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:18,880 Sir, he did specifically request to see a controlled demolition. 302 00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:22,280 Oh, then since you're in a generous mood, I'm specifically requesting 303 00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:25,240 that you baby-sit that tiresome clot until he leaves, at which point, 304 00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:28,080 you will be on shit-burning duty for the next six months. Sir. 305 00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:30,080 Now, if you'd be so kind as to shut the door 306 00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:31,840 as you get the fuck out of my office? 307 00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:47,560 Is it ready yet? 308 00:17:47,560 --> 00:17:50,120 We've got to keep it at 400 degrees. 309 00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:53,520 Wood. 310 00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:56,440 Paraffin. 311 00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:14,320 Can I smell burning? 312 00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:16,560 Cookhouse, Skip. 313 00:18:16,560 --> 00:18:18,280 It smells like a barbecue. 314 00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:22,480 Aye, aye! It does a bit, doesn't it? 315 00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:28,040 I cannae see a barbecue, though, Skip. 316 00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:29,520 Must just be the cookhouse. 317 00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:33,560 Fuck! 318 00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:36,800 Why is the ground on fire?! Fire! 319 00:18:36,800 --> 00:18:41,200 Watch out! No, no, no. That's paraffin! 320 00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:43,720 Ow, ow. Right, get that put out. 321 00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:46,760 I'm going to seek medical advice. 322 00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:53,000 Right. I'm up to my chin in shit with the colonel. 323 00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:54,600 That shit is rapidly rising. 324 00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:56,320 If we can't get rid of this PONTI, 325 00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:58,360 the shit's going to go above my head 326 00:18:58,360 --> 00:19:00,480 and I'm going to be swimming in shit. 327 00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:02,920 Towerblock, I need you to call your bezza, Ahmed. 328 00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:05,640 He's not my bezza. He's a bellend. You'll see. 329 00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:07,840 Whatever. At least he's reliably deranged. 330 00:19:07,840 --> 00:19:10,800 What you've got to do is, you've got to tell him to bring in something 331 00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:15,040 that looks like a massive device, so the PONTI is evacuated. 332 00:19:15,040 --> 00:19:17,280 You know, like a couple of palm oil containers, 333 00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:20,200 flour sacks taped together in the back of his car, bit of old wire. 334 00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:21,800 That's a terrible idea. 335 00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:24,160 The gate guards won't just let him drive it in. 336 00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:26,200 Everyone watched Zero Dark Thirty last week 337 00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:28,000 and that's exactly what happened in that. 338 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,600 Is it? Which bit? 339 00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:35,000 The bit where they drive the car bomb into the base. 340 00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:38,240 Oh. Yeah. That's my favourite bit. 341 00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:39,600 I never saw it. Was it any good? 342 00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:41,000 THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER 343 00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:42,960 Erm, can we just focus here, please? 344 00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:45,400 We will tell the gate guards that he's just been cleared 345 00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:47,160 as a locally employed civilian. 346 00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:50,240 You will then pretend to check the car then wave him through. 347 00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:52,080 OK, boss, if you're sure. Yeah! 348 00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:55,120 Just tell him we need something that looks just like a massive device. 349 00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:58,320 Massive device, but not real. Obviously not real. 350 00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:07,080 Holy fucking shit! Are you fucking insane? 351 00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:09,880 I asked for a fake device. 352 00:20:09,880 --> 00:20:14,200 I know, but I found a real one, mate, so brought you that instead. 353 00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:15,760 And you didn't think to tell us that 354 00:20:15,760 --> 00:20:18,040 before we let you drive the fucking thing in here?! 355 00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:22,640 I could drive it out again? It's not safe! 356 00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:24,080 It might be? 357 00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:26,720 Everything all right. Looks good, doesn't it? 358 00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:28,160 There's a reason for that. 359 00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:32,520 Oh, shit! 360 00:20:32,520 --> 00:20:35,440 I thought you searched the car? 361 00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:37,000 I pretended to search the car. 362 00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:40,040 Yes, but while you were pretending to search the car, I thought that 363 00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:43,000 you might have noticed... Doesn't matter, it's too late now. 364 00:20:44,560 --> 00:20:45,720 Get my kit. 365 00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:48,280 We'll set up an ICP over there and evacuate to the perimeter 366 00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:53,480 and we'll just tell everyone there's a suspicious-looking device 367 00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:58,440 in the car. OK? Yeah, OK. 368 00:20:58,440 --> 00:21:00,480 What am I going to do? 369 00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:03,600 Not smoke! Bellend! 370 00:21:10,240 --> 00:21:12,680 So, are we on? Yes. Slight development. The bomb is real. 371 00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:14,600 It's a real bomb. ALL: What?! 372 00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:15,920 I thought it was a fake bomb. 373 00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:18,880 Yeah. So did I. Turns out it's a real one. Hang on. 374 00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:21,640 If the bomb that was meant to be fake is actually real, 375 00:21:21,640 --> 00:21:22,840 then nothing's changed. 376 00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:25,240 There's no trouble. We still evacuate him. 377 00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:26,320 Everything's OK. 378 00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:30,320 Yes, Simon - everything's OK, apart from the socking great bomb, 379 00:21:30,320 --> 00:21:33,040 right there, that could flatten out most of the base. 380 00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:37,160 Oh, yeah. Good morning, chaps! Has anyone seen the padre? 381 00:21:37,160 --> 00:21:38,560 Nope. 382 00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:41,960 I hope I didn't frighten her off! Is everything all right? 383 00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:43,240 This some sort of drill? 384 00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:44,960 Funny story, Minister. That is 385 00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:46,920 if you like stories that end with, 386 00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:49,320 "There's a bomb in that car!" 387 00:21:53,840 --> 00:21:54,960 A bomb? 388 00:21:56,320 --> 00:22:00,360 Is it going to go off? No. Milk goes off. Cheese goes off. 389 00:22:00,360 --> 00:22:05,000 Bombs function, detonate or destroy the entire base. 390 00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:07,680 But what is it even doing in the base? 391 00:22:07,680 --> 00:22:10,520 Haven't you seen Zero Dark Thirty? Aye. It was shite. 392 00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:11,720 THEY CHATTER 393 00:22:11,720 --> 00:22:13,960 Yes, all right! To sum up - it's a firm three stars. 394 00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:18,080 I'm sorry, Minister, but I'm afraid we're going to have to get you in a heli while I do a render safe. 395 00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:20,200 I already took the liberty of ordering you one. 396 00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:23,160 It's the Afghan Air Force, so good luck. Shall we wait over here? 397 00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:26,760 Right. 398 00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:30,040 Let's hope I can sort this quickly before the colonel finds out. 399 00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:31,560 Oh. 400 00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:35,000 Might just be me, but it seems this whole area is being evacuated. 401 00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:36,920 Sir, if I can explain? That car... 402 00:22:36,920 --> 00:22:39,600 Don't drive a fucking car bomb into the fucking base! 403 00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:43,160 That's not even the first rule, it's so fucking obvious. 404 00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:45,560 Sir. Deal with that, then come and see me. 405 00:22:45,560 --> 00:22:48,040 I'm going to personally make sure that you are moved to 406 00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:49,880 the shittiest desk job in the Army, 407 00:22:49,880 --> 00:22:51,560 where even the desk is made of shit. 408 00:22:55,680 --> 00:22:57,040 Awkward! 409 00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:04,560 How long until the chopper gets here? 410 00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:06,760 I really want to say goodbye to Mary before I leave. 411 00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:09,520 Oh, feel free to pop out, sir, and find her. Oh, really? 412 00:23:09,520 --> 00:23:12,600 Yeah, just take a left at the car bomb. 413 00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:17,680 Hey, Bluestoners! 414 00:23:17,680 --> 00:23:20,840 No cigarettes in here! This is live ammunition. 415 00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:26,000 Would a joint be OK? I feel kinda tense. 416 00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:28,600 RADIO CHATTER 417 00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:31,720 Roger that. Taxi for the minister. 418 00:23:31,720 --> 00:23:33,280 Thank God! 419 00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:54,440 I can't take any positive action while the heli's there. 420 00:23:54,440 --> 00:23:56,800 Tell him he's clear to land. Boss. 421 00:23:58,320 --> 00:23:59,760 Are we safe here? 422 00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:01,680 How d'ye mean, safe? 423 00:24:01,680 --> 00:24:04,600 If the bomb were to detonate, what would happen? 424 00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:06,680 What, here? Yeah. 425 00:24:06,680 --> 00:24:08,440 We'd die. 426 00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:11,400 Aye. Definitely. 427 00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:12,840 Die. 428 00:24:14,640 --> 00:24:16,800 Shit! 429 00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:48,400 Let's do this. 430 00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:04,600 OK, Towerblock, you can sound the all clear. 431 00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:06,880 ALARM BLARES 432 00:25:13,640 --> 00:25:19,120 Nick, this wasn't all just to get that PONTI away from me, was it? 433 00:25:19,120 --> 00:25:22,280 No? So, you normally let car bombs onto the base, do you? 434 00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:25,480 One showing of Zero Dark Thirty and suddenly everyone's an expert! 435 00:25:25,480 --> 00:25:28,280 Well, if it was to get rid of him, you needn't have bothered. 436 00:25:28,280 --> 00:25:31,160 Last night he told me he's about to defect to the Tories, 437 00:25:31,160 --> 00:25:34,000 just to keep his majority at the next election. 438 00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:35,920 I thought he had principles. 439 00:25:35,920 --> 00:25:39,320 It's just another Greenstock hope dashed. Sorry. 440 00:25:39,320 --> 00:25:42,000 No, you're not. No, you're right. 441 00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:46,400 So you didn't shag him, then? 442 00:25:49,440 --> 00:25:51,000 All done? 443 00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:54,240 Yeah. Look, as much fun as this has been, I think I'm going to be 444 00:25:54,240 --> 00:25:56,400 back in the UK before the minister. 445 00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:58,800 The colonel wants to make a bag-for-life out of my arse. 446 00:25:58,800 --> 00:26:00,120 That's odd, 447 00:26:00,120 --> 00:26:02,800 because you may have noticed that the minister was evacuated 448 00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:05,800 in a heli rather smaller than the one that brought him in here. 449 00:26:05,800 --> 00:26:08,840 Too small, in fact, to fit that in it. 450 00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:20,840 No, oh, no, no! This is not safe! Get this all cleared up! 451 00:26:20,840 --> 00:26:24,240 Aw, come on. We're having our morning shish! Where is he? 452 00:26:24,240 --> 00:26:25,360 Sir? 453 00:26:25,360 --> 00:26:28,320 That utterly useless soon-to-be-Lieutenant Medhurst. He seems... 454 00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:30,880 CAR HORN BEEPS Sir. 455 00:26:30,880 --> 00:26:34,400 What, erm... It's a Land Rover. 456 00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:37,560 So it is, sir. 457 00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:40,160 So it is. 458 00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:44,480 Thank you, Captain Medhurst, I knew I could rely on you 459 00:26:44,480 --> 00:26:47,680 and Bluestone 42. Carry on. 460 00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:54,640 Yumbles. 461 00:26:56,920 --> 00:26:58,960 You know what, Towerblock, 462 00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:01,560 you should really have searched that car better. 463 00:27:01,560 --> 00:27:03,760 I'd left all these grenades in the glove box. 464 00:27:05,480 --> 00:27:06,920 Right. 465 00:27:06,920 --> 00:27:09,120 Give 'em here - I'll put them in the pit by the gate. 466 00:27:09,120 --> 00:27:10,840 No. It's OK, mate. 467 00:27:10,840 --> 00:27:14,480 I'll put them in the pit by the gate. 468 00:27:14,480 --> 00:27:17,760 No, not in the pit by the gate. 469 00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:20,200 In the pit by the gate. 470 00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:21,920 Sure. Funny. 471 00:27:21,920 --> 00:27:24,600 Ahmed, you fucking bellend, just do what I... 472 00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:32,080 Thank you! 473 00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:42,800 Not by the grenades! 474 00:27:42,800 --> 00:27:46,480 Fire! Fire! Fire!